“Put God back in our country!”

  Ask any “God-fearing” church-goer today what is really wrong with this county. It’s not government and Wall Street corruption, it’s not high unemployment, it’s not a crumbling economy, no. All of these things seem to be linked to one detail: the lack of God in the country. It never ceases to amaze me how much fear this one religion spreads across the nation, and just like in the days of old, given one catastrophic event, these people that claim to spread love and God’s salvation to the world are quick to turn on their fellow Americans.

Why? Because they fear God’s wrath. They believe that because they live in Sodom and Gomorrah, they too will be taken out in droves by their supposed righteous, all-knowing and above all, loving God. So, how is one spared the wrath of God in today’s melting pot of Satan’s own disciples? It’s not by only accepting Jesus as their savior and going to church every Sunday and Wednesday, they also have to impose their beliefs on the rest of us in order to get their mansions and crowns, and more of God’s love in the afterlife.

Yes, you read that correctly. Being in the presence of the most powerful being in the universe, and possession of all knowledge isn’t all that great to the average Christian. They demand streets of gold, rivers of milk and honey (ew?), a tree of life… for some reason, huge mansions and lavish crowns with jewels for every soul they saved on Earth. Of course, the bigger the mansion, the more of God’s love you receive.

It’s true! The bible tells me so, or does it?

Apparently, you have a chance to win not one, but FIVE crowns on judgement day, which seems to be more like God’s OSCAR awards ceremony to faithful Christians… or at least this is how a lot of us interpret it. To be honest, the Bible is so cryptic and has been translated so many times, no one really knows what the hell it really means anymore or what has been translated incorrectly or what was placed in there to be intentionally misleading. If thousands of years of history has taught us anything at all, it’s you can control anyone when you keep them stupid and religious.

I grew up southern Baptist, so this  John 14:2 verse “In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you,” was somehow interpreted as this holy scavenger hunt for lost souls to claim huge mansions for yourself upon your death. Of course, as humans we only measure the worth of something in materialistic ways, so this sounds like a fool-proof life insurance policy the dead can reap the benefits of! How exciting!

We’re starting to see this Christian movement again in the US. Let’s face it, the United States isn’t exactly a country where the majority are in any ways our best and brightest. As far as cultural awareness goes, don’t even ask. Prior to 1990, 87% of adults in this country identified themselves as Christian. Of course, your chances of getting into heaven if you had asked many of those 87% was greatly lowered if anyone practiced a denomination of Christianity other than their own. The good news is, that rate dropped to 76% in 2008 and it continues to plummet as people become more aware of just what they had been told to believe. I also believe the massive publicity of the religious right has a lot to do with this decline.

Who wouldn’t question their beliefs after seeing these fools on every news network for the last year.

So, roughly 76% of Americans are Christian, and the other 24% are bringing this country down. For that, I do apologize. My lack of faith will most likely bring about the inevitable destruction of the United States, but hey, at least the 76% will be going to heaven! As for poor me, I will be roasting in fiery torment for eternity.

But wait a second, that can’t be right. Only the few will be chosen to enter the kingdom of heaven. Of those 76%, how many are actually born again Christians? Well no one really knows that number, but if there is one thing we have been good at since puritan times, it’s faking it!

Now let’s get into politics, and why the republicans won’t have a snowball’s chance in the darkest and hottest parts of hell of retaking the presidency in 2012. The days of intelligent, fiscally responsible, pro-active and politically fair republican presidents and presidential candidates died with Theodore Roosevelt. If you ask any republican, it died with Ronald Reagan, but the rest of us are a little smarter than that. Reagan’s presidency brought about the corporate government era, which gave a messy birth to the incompetent and legislatively useless pile of crap we have in our nation’s capitol today.

Taking a look at the republican “hopefuls,” we don’t really see any kind of tangible relief from the right. What we do see is a bunch of moral and religious rhetoric, and completely ridiculous claims to solving our financial woes with simple percentages. Herman Cain anyone? He preaches 9-9-9 as religiously as the most rabid southern pastor pushes salvation, but when asked about the complicated problems his simple-minded simple plan would cause, Cain simply answered in his own simple way “I have no idea…”

Well it’s certainly not the first time we’ve caught these people living in worlds of their own. Michele Bachmann lives on a plane of existence that is so different than our own, I half expect her to start sliding in and out of parallel universes in the middle of a debate.

Rick Perry is, of course, Bush 2.0 with a twist! You would think that the second version of something would be an upgrade, not a downgrade. This isn’t the case with republican candidates. He’s receiving a lot of negative publicity lately, but it’s not the right kind! There is a treasure trove of things the press could be pushing, but we’re still hung up on “nigger head” for some reason. Come on, it’s Texas. If you honestly gasped and held your face in disbelief that any evidence of racism has surfaced with this man, you may be mildly retarded. Everything you see is bigger in Texas, except what really matters…

Brains. What did you think I was going to say there?

Now we have Willard Romney, the *gasp* Mormon republican that can’t decide whether he wants eggs for breakfast, or cereal, or both… or none at all. Of course his religion fans the flames of republican debate in a mostly “good Christian” party. Yes, we all know Mormonism is Christianity 2.0 with another twist (yes, the same downgrade works for religion too), but let’s not forget that what most of these people want is a theocracy. They want their own version of sharia law, which is Biblical law. It’s basically the same thing. Death penalty or prison sentences for gays, women are second-class baby-makers… you know where this is going. I could make a list that would take up five full pages of all of the horrible things that could happen if these people ever succeeded in their ultimate goal. If you want to return to a time of serfs, nobility and the crusades, vote in an evangelical right senate majority and president. After all, the time when the church ruled the people is considered “the good old days!”

Those of course are the bigger candidates. Huntsman, the “intellectual” Mormon, as much of an oxymoron as that is, isn’t really worth mentioning right now, but I thought I’d give him some light. Some of what he claims to support is on par with what I think is good for our country, but he’s so far center that his eyes are actually firmly lodged in their sockets instead of bugged out and crazy, so chances of him getting anywhere in his own party are pretty damn slim. Of course, I’m wary of anyone with a Mormon or any type of over-the-top religious background. Trusting these people to make sound and unbiased choices would be like trusting and Indian cab driver to take you down a steep mountain in pea soup fog.

And speaking of sound and unbiased choices, no, Newt Gingrich will probably never again darken another doorway in Washington. Your first born are safe… for now.

I’d say, God is alive and well in the United States today… just a little unpopular considering who is representing him. If 76% of the country claims to be Christian, and just about every political leader on the right has strong Christian roots, who’s really to blame for the problems in this country? I kind of want to say God is, but that wouldn’t be very fair at all. I mean, the omnipresent being hasn’t shown us his backside since the time of Moses. I kind of want to say human beings in general are to blame.

Yeah! That makes more logical sense.


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